Broken
by lizzler
Summary: Haven't written anything in a while but couldn't get this out of my head. Gail wakes up early and reflects on her past decisions and current relationship with Holly. Drabble. Gail/Holly.


I can hear the birds chirping outside. The sun hasn't yet risen fully, but their chirps are the first sign that morning is here. I've dozed, trapped in the state between waking and sleeping for the last hour or so, and it doesn't look like more sleep is going to be forthcoming as the sun begins its early morning ascent.

The events involving Ford last night are still fresh in my mind's eye, and I doubt they'll be going anywhere anytime soon. Yet, surprisingly, these thoughts aren't what I am focusing on. I roll onto my right side and look at the brunette sleeping soundly beside me. After all I did to her yesterday, kissing her, rejecting her, and then calling her to my side, she never wavered. She was right there when I needed her. My mind immediately justifies this: she's a nice person; she would have done it for anyone. But underneath I know that isn't true, and that's what scares me.

I'm not broken. I may have a tough exterior, and I may be a little tougher to crack than your average girl, but I'm not broken. It's no secret that my childhood had some unique obstacles to overcome. But I'm not broken.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that, one day I'll believe it.

I've had relationships before, but they've never been like other people describe them. I thought I was in love with Nick, and his betrayals certainly left their mark on me. But I never had _it_. I never had that stomach sinking, limb-numbing, tongue-swelling, pure joy that people say they experience. I've never been giddy from the mere presence of a text message from someone. So I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with me. Instead, there was something wrong with everyone else.

It must be that all the stories and the fairytales are just that; they're not real. They exaggerate this thing called love. After all, real love is work. There are good moments, hell, there are even great moments. But those jaw-dropping, heart-stopping feelings just aren't real. And I'd convinced myself that this was true, and had never had a problem with it.

Until her.

I rarely meet someone who is able to tolerate me upon first sight when I don't want them to. I've mastered the art of pushing people away. But not only could she tolerate me, she threw sass right back at me, lecturing me on medical jurisprudence. I'm rarely surprised, but she did me in. I was captivated. Not just anyone can trade verbal punches with me and not even flinch. But she just walked into my crime scene, and into my life, throwing verbal jabs over her shoulder like they were nothing.

Oh, sure, I was interested in learning more about her. And maybe it was because I'd spent so long telling myself that those feelings didn't exist, but I sure didn't know what I was feeling with her. I didn't understand why I was so excited to receive a text message from her. Then, when I started to equate my happiness with her, I fell into denial.

I was giddy because I'd had too many drinks, not because she was there. My stomach did flip-flops because she invaded my personal space and I was uncomfortable, not because I was excited by her touch. It wasn't jealousy that I was feeling when I saw her with her date, it was just disappointment that I had to go back to the trio of nerds and their trivia.

I reacted with instinct in the interrogation room. It hit me so suddenly and with so much force that there was no way I could sink into denial anymore. She cared about me, not just as a friend. And as the knowledge of this fact sank in, my stomach started doing cartwheels and a strange feeling filled my insides. Anticipation. Desire. My gaze dropped from her eyes to her lips, and I realized as my mouth went dry that I knew exactly what I wanted, and it was her.

Running on the adrenaline of the moment, I kissed her. And it was incredible. It was every cliché wrapped in one. It was a heart-stopping, stomach-dropping, limb-tingling kiss.

And it was also the worst timing ever. Now I had to go back out on the street and look for a psycho who wanted to kill me, when my mind was struggling to catch up and comprehend what had just happened. I must have looked like I was drugged as I walked out of the interrogation room, and I still can't remember what I said to Oliver as he spoke to me. My mind was still trapped in the room I had just left.

But there was no time to process what had happened. I needed to go back out there, and by the time I sat down in the car with Oliver, my mind was focused on the job. That's why I reacted the way I did when she came to visit me. I hadn't processed yet, I wasn't ready for it. For her. I panicked, as I have been known to do, and left her standing alone behind me as a sinking feeling turned into a twisting feeling in my stomach.

It wasn't until I was sitting in the waiting room with Traci, Chris and Steve, waiting to hear about Sam, Chloe and Oliver that I had the chance to think. Nobody was speaking, all of us too occupied by the thoughts racing through our heads. I realized, in that moment, that the one person who I wanted to hold, the one person I wanted by my side was her. So why wasn't she there? Because I was a coward? No, I wouldn't have that be the reason. Chris' words from earlier ran around my head. _Call Holly_. Even he knew what I was having trouble admitting. Maybe he knew better than anyone having dated me in the past.

The reason I'd never had those sparks, those clichéd feelings of love wasn't because they didn't exist. Love as described by stories wasn't a myth like I had spent so long trying to convince myself. But most importantly, I wasn't broken; I just hadn't found the right person yet. Maybe I'd been looking in the wrong places. Whatever the case, I'd found her now. And I'd be damned if I let her go.

She arrived with few words, comfortable in silence, and I was thankful for that. Her presence was enough. Her hand became the lifeline I needed to get me through those hours of waiting. With a small squeeze every once in a while, she reminded me that we were still alive. And still together.

And when the news that Sam and Chloe were both stable and Oliver would be home soon sent the waiting room home for sleep, she didn't push. She just offered me a ride. We spent five minutes driving in silence before she stopped at the light, waiting to turn left down my street. And when I asked her if she had a spare room, she only nodded, flipped her right turn blinker on, and slowly eased down the street in the opposite direction.

When we stepped inside her apartment, she'd immediately mumbled something about setting up the spare room. I smiled as I realized this tendency to talk in incoherent ramblings was clearly her display of nervousness or anxiety. So I silenced her the way I had earlier, with a kiss to the lips. I kept it brief, my exhaustion becoming ever more insistent.

"I just want to sleep. But I'd rather not be alone."

"I'll grab you something to sleep in."

Five minutes later, we were under the covers, wrapped in each other's arms. She fell asleep almost immediately, arm wrapped around my waist. My mind was still racing too much to sleep, despite the tiredness I could feel creeping through my body. Trying to avoid thinking about the blood and gore and horrors of the day, I instead thought about her.

I watched her chest move up and down as she breathed. I listened to the cute sighing noises she made when she shifted in her sleep. I watched her eyelids flutter when she was dreaming. I stared at the peaceful expression on her face, and hoped I was part of the reason it was there. And I thought. I thought about how more than anything in the world, I wanted her to be safe and happy. I thought about how much the look on her face when I pushed her away broke my heart. And I thought about how much I wanted to wake her up so I could kiss her senseless. And I realized that I was happy. She made me happy. So I snuggled in closer, pleased to see that even in her sleep, she tightened her grip on me when I moved, and tried to get some rest.

I woke up after only a few hours to the sounds of the birds outside. Though still exhausted, I feel recharged and I know that even those few, precious hours were enough to allow my body time to recharge.

There is still a sense of panic hiding in the back of my mind over the whole situation. _I think I love her_. Nope, that's not right. I _know_ I love her. And that thought terrifies me. It would be so easy to run away, to make things simple again. But even though I've known her for such a short time, the thought of her not being the first person I talk to about anything, about everything, is unbearable. I want to share in her triumphs and accomplishments. I want to tell her how my day went. I want to comfort her when she's sad and calm her anxiety with a kiss when she gets nervous. I want her arms around me when I feel vulnerable, and I want her eyes on me when I walk in a room. I want her in every way. And that's why I know, no matter what fear I am feeling, I'm not going anywhere.

She stirs slightly, and I know she is close to waking. I scoot closer and rub my hand along her arm gently and place a kiss to her hairline. Still asleep, she sighs and leans into me. I realize a massive grin has spread across my face at this and that only makes my smile bigger. _I'm in love with Holly._

I pepper kisses across her forehead as she slowly gains consciousness. I can tell the moment she wakes up, because a smile stretches across her face and she sighs contentedly.

"Good morning," I say.

"Now that is a really nice way to wake up." She finally opens her eyes and smiles at me, and I can feel my grin stretch to breaking point. She's so cute first thing in the morning. As her gaze focuses, I see her eyebrows knit together. "How long have you been awake?" She asks.

"Long enough to know you make adorable noises in your sleep. Not long enough to be of concern to you." She frowns at me for a moment and then seems to accept the answer.

"Good. I was worried you wouldn't get any sleep after everything that happened yesterday."

"Me too. But I just tried to think about other, more pleasant things. It worked surprisingly well."

"Oh really?" She's looking at me like she's waiting for the punch line. I suppose I've never given her the opportunity to see the non-sarcastic side of me. This Gail doesn't appear very often.

"Really." I confirm.

She's still looking at me like she doesn't quite believe me. "So what were you thinking about?"

"You."

The blush that crawls over her cheeks and down her neck makes me chuckle. When she blushes, she blushes _everywhere_. That will be a good fact to store away for later. I'm still admiring her blush when she tries to lighten the mood. "Checking me out were you? I knew staying in the same bed was going to lead to some interesting dreams."

"Oh, trust me, waking up to you is better than any dreams I may have had." Her mouth drops open in surprise at that, and even I am surprised to have heard the words come out of mouth. That was like, kind of romantic. So not a Gail Peck moment.

"I wasn't trying to imply anything inappropriate, it just kind of came out. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable at all, Gail, and I hope you know that whatever this is, we can move at whatever pace you want and –"

_What? Where did this come from?_ She's rambling again. It's adorable, if not a little quirky. I've already found my favourite way to shut her up though, and I waste no time in cutting her off. My lips are on hers, and this time, there is no reason to stop. Her hands roam over my sides as mine reach for the back of her neck, pulling closer. She opens her mouth just a little, and, feeling brave, I take this kiss further than any previously. When our tongues meet for the first time, I feel her shudder a little, and I'm pretty sure I was the one who just made that ridiculous moaning noise. After a moment, I break away and kiss down her neck and suck on her pulse point, spurred on by the noises she is making.

"Trust me, Holly, I want you."

She pulls back and looks into my eyes after I say this. She is searching for something, though I cannot say what. She takes a moment before she answers me.

"What changed?

"What do you mean?"

"You kissed me yesterday. And then you ran away. And it was fair, you warned me. You're like a cat. But now you say that you want me, and when I look at you, I know you mean it. So what changed?"

How does she read me this easily? How can she figure out in ten seconds what it took me all night thinking about to understand?

"Holly, cats aren't happy in trees. They run away from places they're happy, thinking that they want to be in the tree. But they never really wanted to be in the tree in the first place. They wanted to be somewhere else, they just didn't know where. So of course the cat wants to get out of the tree." That look she's giving me is not one of comprehension.

"So are you the cat or the tree?"

Yeah. Not at all what the point was.

"Neither. Holly, my point is that I always ran up the tree. I always got into relationships with men, when there was no real interest there. I thought there was. I mean, it seemed exciting until I got into it. Then it was just work, and the tree wasn't nearly as pretty as it was from the bottom. So I had to get out. But I don't want to climb trees anymore."

"So you don't want a relationship?"

_No! Not what I meant!_ Why is it so difficult to get my point across? Oh right, because I'm Gail Peck, and speaking is not my strong point.

"No, not at all! I want a relationship. Just not with any of my exes. Not with anyone else. I want a relationship with you, Holly. Only you."

There's a vulnerability in her eyes that scares me, and I know what she's going to say before she says it, because as well as she knows me, I know her, and I know what my previous actions have done to her.

"How do I know that you won't get scared and back out later?"

"Because I can tell you honestly that I'm terrified right now. I'm terrified by my feelings. Holly, for a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was broken, because I didn't feel the things that everyone else talked about. I mean, you should hear McNally. She falls in love every thirty seconds, and always makes it sound like it's just the best feeling in the world, and you become weightless and your head spins and blah, blah, blah. I never felt that. But with you, it's like that. And that terrifies me, more than you can know. But it's also why I'm sure I'm not going anywhere. Because I don't want to give this up. This is new territory for me."

Are those tears in her eyes? They must be tears of happiness though if the smile on her face and the chuckles coming from her throat are any indication.

"You know, for someone who hates people, you can be pretty sweet." She chuckles as she speaks, and I laugh with her, unable to find the stoic, sarcastic Gail right now.

"Yeah, well, who knew I had a romantic side."

She finally stops chuckling and looks me in the eye for a long moment. "I always thought it was in there somewhere."

We stare at each other for a long moment, neither one of us breaking the gaze. It's silent, and yet, peaceful. It makes me never want to leave this bed. Correction. It's not the bed that I want to stay in, it's Holly's arms.

"I love you."

Now there's no confusion. Those are definitely tears of happiness running down her cheeks, and I'm beginning to feel my own eyes becoming wet.

"I love you too."

"I hoped you would say that."

She initiated the kiss this time, for the first time since the wedding. She's confident that I'm not going to run. Good. I'm confident too, because there's no way I'm giving up this feeling. I finally get it. I finally know what everyone is talking about. I understand why there's always sparks or fireworks going off behind some Disney character's head when they kiss their one true love. Those sparks are going off in my head right now, and I feel like I can breathe for the first time in my life. I feel like I've finally figured out some great life secret. And I can't believe I've been so blind to it for so long. Maybe it's going to be tougher to find the stoic Gail from this point on.

I'm not broken. This time, when I tell myself that, I believe it. And looking into Holly's glistening eyes, I know she is the proof. And there's no way I'm letting go of that.

**A/N: Hey everyone. So it's been a really, really long time since I've posted anything on here. Like years. So I would love some feedback, as I'm thinking of maybe getting back into this again. So yeah. I apologize for any typos or grammar mistakes. Hazards of writing at 2am. But I hope you enjoyed!**


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